The Scariest XMen Story Ever!
by PearlyJammer
Summary: In an alternait universe, the X-Men's torrid love lives become even more entangled....


Title: The Scariest Story Ever!   
  
Author: Autumn   
  
E-mail: autumnleaves@autumnpengins.com  
  
Rating: PG-13, language   
  
Category: Parody   
  
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nada   
  
Distribution: DDFH   
  
Author's Notes: Heheeh enjoy. **** Indicates a flashback.   
  
  
  
Rogue Blush stood akwardly at the top of the stairs. It was a daring   
move on her part really. She wasn't known for her grace or fluid   
movements and had been nicknamed `the accident' by St. John her third   
year at the mansion. What Rogue didn't know was that after   
recovering in the medical lab after one of her many accidents, Jean   
had implanted a `dinger counter' in the girls left buttock. It was   
mean, but eventually every member of the X-mansion had placed a bet   
on when Rogue would reach the 10,000 mark. It took two weeks. The   
girl really was terribly uncoordinated.  
  
  
Rogue's capacity for falling down and being a helpless damsel in   
distress was legendary. The year she'd come to the mansion she'd   
spent a complete 90 minutes in absolute peril. It was only because   
of the hero-endowed Wolverine that Rogue was still alive and   
kicking. Rogue had absorbed Wolverine twice in that time, or   
approximately once every 45 minutes. It had helped her coordination   
and was the longest amount of time she'd ever gone without falling on   
her face. It was a colossal achievement. The Wolverine had given   
Rogue the gift of walking, and from that day on she was obsessedly in   
love with him, and wrote his name all over the entire mansion. She   
even altered the sign at the driveway to the school to read `Xavier's   
School for Wolverine Enthusiasts.' Needless to say, it was odd, and   
disturbing. Wolverine was like a bijillion times older than Rogue,   
so it was like ewwww!   
  
  
Jean was the first to inform Wolverine that the ungainly Rogue had a   
crush on him. ** "I think she's a little taken with you"   
  
"How do you know?"   
  
"Because when she came too she said `Wolverine, how I loveeth you   
soooo!, and she began to drool on me."   
  
"So, do you think I should run away-I mean search for my past?"   
  
"Unless you want to be covered in a pool of Rogue slobber, head for   
the hills."   
  
"Right. Thanks Jeanie!" Logan said as he jumped up off the table.   
****   
  
Wolverine's decision to leave the X-Mansion pissed Rogue off. She   
was mad and sad and cried for like 89 hours straight. But 20 years   
later she got over her heartbreak and had moved on. She'd switched   
teams and was not lusting over a happily married Jean Grey. Even at   
45, Jean was still a hottie, according to Rogue anyway, and Jean's   
young husband who coincidently was Jubilee and St. John's son. The   
day he turned 18, he and his much older biology teacher flew to Vegas   
and eloped. Scott was really sad about that too, so he turned gay   
and started a relationship with Kitty Pryd, who was actually a   
hermaphrodite and more inclined to engage in male behaviour. Her   
being a girl was just a clever conspiracy. Kitty had even changed   
her name to the much more masculine `Cat' so as to not be confused   
for being a girl. It worked. The kids were happy now, and   
everything jibed.   
  
The only lonely soul was Rogue. She was still a virgin and still   
referred to as a girl even though she was 38 years of age. Her   
newest nickname had been bequeathed to her by Jean's husband Yellow;   
it was `Doormat.' He said he named her that because everybody always   
walked all over her and it was a more normal name that Rogue.   
Doormat-er Rogue spent like 567 hours crying about that. She was   
really sensitive and shit. Eventually though, she knew she had to   
come out into the public eye again. And tonight just happened to be   
the biggest, baddest pig roast the mansion had all year. So walla,   
here she was. All gangly and standing at the top of the stairs   
trying to catch the eye of her lover-wannabe. She decided she wasn't   
quite ready and ducked back inside her room.   
  
  
Rogue fixed her training bra and hiked up her tights. She began   
wearing a training bra about 7 years ago when she noticed that she   
got a funny feeling when she put a shirt on over her upper body. It   
was time to make her move and show Jean that Rogue was serious about   
being with her. She was putting all her cards on the line. She was   
leaving behind Flintstone vitamins and milk and going in for   
echinatia and non-alcoholic Zima. She walked out of the room, but   
had to return for a second glance in her mirror, to look at all that   
voluptuous cleavage to remind herself she was a woman, and not just a   
girl, like that Britney Spears song.   
  
  
She'd spent most of her twenty years at the mansion crying like a   
baby. She'd never been invited to a party, or a make out session, or   
even the school picnic. Rogue couldn't go because she was from   
Mississippi and was allergic to the sun from any state further north   
than Alabama. She became a lot like Cinderella and had to do the   
entire mansion cleaning by herself since she couldn't pull her weight   
as an X-Men. Between hiding in her room and crying, fantasising   
about Logan coming back for her, and cleaning the mansion, Rogue was   
pretty busy. And in-between then it hurt too much to think about all   
the what ifs and could have beens of the past. How she and Eric   
could have been such a cute couple, how she could have beaten Jean up   
when she absorbed Logan. How sweet it is to be an idiot.......   
  
They'd both since found other obsessions, (Rogue immersed herself in   
the dangerous but unknown world of Parcheesi tournaments, while Logan   
or Jean depending on who the other person obsessing was became a   
buyer of all sorts of plastic toys that were defected and sent back   
to the toy factory, and then sold on the black market. All for the   
thrill baby.) but she'd never quite gotten over the fact that he saw   
her as a child, and she'd let that perception shape her actions for a   
long time, but now that she was 38 and had finally discovered the   
uses of flashing cleavage it was time to be an adult. A woman. A   
woman who was going to make an effort to get what she wanted, with   
Cosmopolitan and YM on her side.   
  
  
Hence, a quick conference with herself, a really super cute school   
girl outfit, and what she told swore was one magical night, one last   
shot at love, because desperate people cling to fairy tales. And   
they don't mind being rejected by two, or three, ore even five guys   
and then playing third or fourth string. They're just happy to get   
some playing time. The only thing that could make this night better   
was for Logan to return to the mansion after a 20 year absence. But   
then again, that only happened in fairy tales right?   
***   
  
  
Yellow and Jean were making out in the middle of the ballroom when   
Rogue finally teetered downstairs Everybody had left cause they were   
so disgusted at seeing a man and a woman who were 40 years apart make   
out like dogs with a major bone. From somewhere in the background,   
a door slammed and a cursing man walked in through the door.   
A scowling Wolverine walked in through the door and stared at the   
couple engaged in dry humping each other on the dance floor.   
  
  
"What's wrong Logan?" Rogue asked as if he hadn't been gone at all.   
She could see that Logan was upset, and all her feelings were wayyyyy   
less important, so she screwed herself to help Logan.   
  
"Nothing." Because there was nothing he could do. And nothing he   
wanted to do. Logan is proud Hiawatha type man. He simply lit a   
cigar and stomped back outside. Logan has serious contemplating.   
His first choice, Jean was obviously in the arms of a young man and   
quite happy. Ororo had been written out of the story a long time   
ago, so that choice was also not available. Jubilee and Kitty were   
married, so there were the third and fourth choices. All that left   
was the little girl that had slobbered on him once and idolized him   
for 20 years. What a pain in the ass, but hell, he was ready to   
settle down, even if it was with the fifth woman of his choice.   
  
  
He remembered how Rogue used to look at him, all eyes and slobber in   
her little face. He's known her for less than 100 minutes, but in   
that time he'd been idolized more by one girl than all the women he'd   
ever met. But when he walked in tonight, Rogue had been drooling over   
Jean. He was torn on what to feel. Abandoned, or turned on. Cause   
girl on girl was…..hot. Yeah….. Suddenly the smoke cleared and the   
fog lifted. He realized he's always been in love with Rogue. Even   
before he met her, he loved her. He could have kicked himself for   
being so stupid and failing to realize that his attractions to every   
other female in the vicinity was just a cover up for his one true   
love. He even managed to kick himself in the balls once or twice   
about it, but later decided nothing was worth that amount of pain.   
Even the pain on Rogue's 38 year old girlish face wasn't enough for   
him to continue hurting his own genetalia.   
  
  
Logan decided to be a man and tell Rogue how he felt about   
her. He marched back in the door. There she was. His angelic,   
ungainly girl child/woman ewwww. "Hey woman" he called out to her,   
to get her attention.   
  
  
At 38, it was the first time she'd been called a woman. She nearly   
peed herself in excitement.   
  
  
"I missed you Rogue. I realize now that even though I banged and   
fantasized about every other person on the planet, it was you I   
really wanted to fuck. So, wanna go take off that little skirt and be   
a naughty girl?"   
  
It turned out too be too much excitement at once Rogue ended up   
pissing herself right in the middle of the floor. She was the   
laughing stock of the house. Logan viewed her as a child forever   
more and she was kicked out of Xavier's by the decrepit old man   
himself. Oh and she never got laid.   
  
  
"Dude, that was the WORST scary story I have ever heard." Dean   
Summers said as his best friend Angel Lee finished the story.   
  
"Well, hey it could have happened. That's what mom says, but then   
she could have been exaggerating, she does that."   
  
"What if that really happened though, it would be scary wouldn't it?"   
Jared LeBeau commented.   
  
"No J, it would have been terrifying. I say Angel wins for best story   
this Halloween. Now let's get to the important stuff, the candy."   
Sarina Logan put in.   
  
The four kids agreed at once and muttered good naturedly about being   
forced to fork over a fourth of their candy to Angel for wining the   
competion again this year. And they silently thanked whatever it was   
out there watching over them that their parents all had a shred of   
sense and recognized true love for what it really was. Missing out   
on it may very well be the scariest thing known to humanity.   
  
HAPPY HALLOWEEN   
: Autumn :


End file.
